It’s hard to know where to begin and what to share and what to not share. I go back and forth all the time. And I think, you know life’s not always rainbows and sunshine. There’s gloomy days and that’s okay. This is just a part of my story. And for me, I’ve found so much strength in knowing and reading about other people’s gloomy days. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. To know that eventually the sun will come out and everything will be okay. It’s also freeing and relaxing in a way to write down and share my feelings and my experiences. I know that I’ve been helped in tremendous ways by reading what others have shared. Hard times makes us human and make us who we are, and this is just a part of that journey for me.
The week before Christmas, I was scheduled to go in and find out the gender of our baby. I was 17 weeks at the time and we were SO excited. So anxious to know since neither of us really had any gut feelings about what it would be. Juan wanted a boy. I would be happy either way! This would be my very first ultrasound since I’d been pregnant so it would be our first glimpse at the little bean. As the doctor began the ultrasound, he quickly got distracted. Turns out there was a few things he wasn’t quite sure of, that he couldn’t quite explain. But all we knew is that it wasn’t “normal”. He got very quiet as he looked around some more and immediately started typing up some notes. He said he would be sending us to a specialist as soon as possible so we could get some answers. He told us not to worry. It was so odd how the excitement level and mood shifted a complete 180 degrees and how in just a matter of minutes we were faced with something we’d never even imagine. He sent home us with a referral sheet and a lab order and that was it. We walked out silently to our car, not really processing anything that was going on. But we both just sat there together and cried. And as sad as that sounds, it was something I’ll never forget and something that I’ll always be grateful for. That whatever Juan + I do in life, we have each other.
It was a long 24 hours before we had an appointment with the specialist. With their more advanced machine and more in depth knowledge, the doctor there told us things were not good. It turns out our little baby had a cystic hygroma accompanied by hydrops, or excess fluid in the body. He told us that when found this early, the chances of pregnancy survival were slim and that if the baby did survive, they would likely have Turner’s syndrome. We again sat there, mostly quiet, trying to process what he was saying but not really knowing how. There was no predictable timeline. No real way of knowing what was going to happen next. Of course I thought every single thought possible. Why is this happening to us? Maybe this is something that will just go away. I’m already so far along. What could I have done differently? Should we even get attached to this baby? What on earth do we even do? And there we sat again, crying together in the car. The days following were spent with lots of outpouring of love and food and goodness from our families and close friends. I know that God gives us these gloomy days so we can remember just how much goodness we have in our lives and just how important our loved ones are. We truly could not do this without them. Every single gesture was an answer to prayer and made us feel a happiness I can’t quite describe. Already God was working miracles for us.
As more and more people found out, and continue to do so, the outpouring of love and thoughtfulness has been more than we could have ever expected. Notes, messages, emails, prayers, flowers, food, calls, hugs. From people in all sorts of places from all different parts of my life. The more people do for us, the more I keep thinking what have I ever done to deserve this love? How can I be this kind when someone I know is going through a rough patch? How can I feel sad when there is so much goodness and love around me? People are so good. And God is so good. And I know that he’s put all of these people in our lives for times just like these. I only hope to someday return the favor to each and every one of them. As hard as life can be, I’m so grateful for trials and the power they have to bring us together! It truly is a blessing. Especially because I know that most of these people are going through their own hard things right now, or that they’ve felt these exact same feelings. Most of the tears I’ve cried throughout these few weeks have not been out of sadness, but from when some one has done something kind for us. Or when I’m driving in the car alone and think of the nice thing someone said. It overwhelms me and I couldn’t be more grateful. It’s made me really step back and think of what more I can do for others when they are going through something hard. I’ve realized that no act of kindness is too small and reaching out to someone in love is never not a good idea.
Most days I feel positive about what’s ahead, even though it’s so unknown. So unpredictable. We’ve just been trying to go about our everyday lives and enjoy each moment. And some of those moments are crappy. Some of those moments we feel sorry for ourselves or feel angry and afraid. But without fail, something happens or someone stops by just at the right time and we know God is mindful of us. Also thinking back to when we found out, it was right before Christmas. What might have seemed like a huge damper, it actually made me feel the magical spirit of Christmas more than usual. It made me stop and think just how wonderful and oh so necessary it was that our Savior was born. How He really does bring JOY and LIGHT to a dark world, and to our gloomy days. He is the one who is going to get us through all of this, regardless of what the outcome is. It helped us to slow down and to really focus on what was most important, to be present and enjoy everything we already had. And although I’ve always felt like I had a wonderful marriage and a close relationship with my husband, I can’t even begin to describe how much closer we’ve become and how much my love for him has grown. Christmas night we were really struggling. But I’ll never forget that night talking and crying together, and feeling this overwhelming love and gratitude for that little moment. It was so special and I wish everyone could feel something like that. We’ve really had to stick together through this and learn to take care of each other in ways we’ve never had to before. We’ve had to rely on God together more than ever before. And it’s been so beautiful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
So while I could go on and on with thoughts about it all, I’ll wrap this up. I know that God is aware of us, aware of me and everything we’re going through. He will work miracles. And we’ve already seen our fair share in such a short time. While we may not see all the blessings right away, I know we will and I know more will come and it will be better than we ever thought possible. We really have no idea what’s ahead or what will happen when, and most of the time I’m so so afraid. But this is real and this is our life, and this baby has already brought us so much joy and happiness. And I know she’ll be a blessing in our lives in more ways than we could ever imagine. ❤